I’ll be the first to admit I am a mess. I’ve done my best to hold it all together this long but today was not my day. I’m scatter brained. I’m exhausted. Today I woke up and rushed to class to take a quiz I wasn’t prepared for. Then rushed home to meet with Goldy’s deaf therapist who proceeded to tell me that Rewsey should get into speech therapy. Then after choking on that. I tried to spend the next two hours and get through my emails, dishes, laundry, homework, business client calls, and texts quick enough to get everyone ready and out the door.
Lately I have felt like I can’t do it any more. Some days I want to quit, school mostly. Others, I see all the things I could be doing more with like The Beautiful Brows, my Real Estate license, school, my blog and the list goes on. I think of ways to market and advertise and try to get things in motion and then just get drowned by the daily diaper changes, breast feedings, laundry, grocery runs, doctor appointments, collaborations, emails, deliveries, and at the end of the day I feel unaccomplished no matter how much I do. Then the guilt and discouragement sets in. But not anymore. Because even though today did not go my way at all… I can’t help but lay here and be so damn grateful.
I almost lost her. It’s taken me this long to talk about it, but I almost lost her. I went through the motions. I went to the appointments. I slept over night in the ER multiple nights. I worked physically, emotionally, spiritually, at work, school, in my household and in my marriage to make ends meet. I fundraised. I researched. And researched and researched. For her. For me. For my family. I did everything for everyone. I started teaching myself sign language. I tried the natural remedies for my anxiety, I tried the anti depressants, I spoke to my therapist. My friendships suffered. My mental health suffered. My physical health was pushed aside. But I made it.
For a whole month I didn’t know if she would make it. I stayed up for what felt like a month straight to make sure she didn’t leave this earth. I listened to the doctor tell me she was in heart failure. I played it off like it was nothing. Mostly because I couldn’t handle people’s questions. I couldn’t handle being asked “if I was ok” or “how I was doing” because I couldn’t respond with “I’m barely surviving” without further unwanted conversations.
But today when all four of us finally made it to family pictures for a brief second it hit me. I have a family four. They’re here. And they’re not going anywhere. So right now I’m laying here realizing we made it. All four of us are laying here in this bed and I can hear everyone peacefully breathing and my heart is full, and Goldy’s is beating.
It’s completely overwhelming. Rew is being potty trained! She’s actually using the anus Dr Fenton gave her. It works! It may poop on the floor from time to time while learning and training its muscles but it actually works. And Goldy is sleeping peacefully because she can’t hear the dog snoring. Her dog. Her dog that will hopefully one day guide her or at the very least comfort her in times of need. But in the morning when she wakes she will get her hearing aids on and she will hear it all. All thanks to the help of hundreds of loved ones.
So maybe today was rough. Maybe we were a half hour late to family pictures. Maybe I threw the clean clothes back into the laundry basket. Maybe I barely made it through mid terms. Maybe fall break wasn’t a break at all rather just more hours worked than normal to continue to pay off medical bills. And maybe I got a 2 out of 6 on my Spanish homework tonight. But maybe, just maybe, I’m overly blessed.
So blessed that for a split second tonight I took it for granted. I took the chaos. and saw it as chaos, instead of the true beauty that it really is. My family. The family that I created. The one I fought for. The one I grew in my body that is now forever changed. The family that I wake up next to in the morning and lay my head down to at night. And sure, it is absolutely insane more than I’d like to acknowledge. But we’re doing it. And that’s all that matters.
This is my moment of meditation and gratitude that I needed to express because although I’ve been trying my best to do daily gratitude and meditation it’s slipped by me this past week. So here’s what I’m grateful for. I’m grateful that today we took family pictures, for the very first time out of the house as a family of four (or five if you count Cleo).
The Reese’s. Party of four, and a very adorable fur baby. Pure chaos, but now that everyone is peacefully sleeping, I can honestly say, pure bliss. So grateful for this piece of folded in half printer paper from Kylan autographed by Rew reminding me that even on my worst days, I’m still “The Worlds #1 Mom”.